... them in bus stops, in my house, at school....there was a man in a suit and hat that i always saw sat down at the same bar whenever i walked around the corner...i was curious, but really scared! my family isn't religious or spiritual at all so they thought it was just the imagination of a little girl running wild.....it took until my teens for me to understand them as they were - spirits!
when i was 10, i must have been at school bathroom when i heard a short laugh....i was terrified, because i was alone and to top it off there are many urban legends involving school bathrooms! but the laughing voice just said she liked my shoes xD. so that was a kind spirit, wasn't it?? and yes, of course i checked the stalls and all, and there really wasn't anyone there messing with me.....
nowadays it's mostly the voices, but i've been wanting to explore this connection more.....me and my boyfriend visit graveyards frequently, so i can listen to them. i want to try visiting terreiros and maybe even spiritist centres, in hopes someone can orient me on how to deal with them better. i love being a medium! it feels somewhat special. it would make me happy to carry a conversation with one of them, imgaine that? so that is the plan for now :)

... really should invest my time into understanding it, controlling it......seems there is a lot of work ahead - but i'm up for it :)
we want to try psychgraphing a first letter - if you don't know, that is when a spirit writes a message down through you. i'm curious to see how that will feel. one thing is seeing them, hearing them....another is having them enter your body!
i'll be giving more updates as i continue. :)

... a car accident to the one who survived. to be able to get these important messages through...it felt nice, really nice....and then!
my boyfriend lost his dad a loong time ago unfortunately, but yesterday i felt a message coming through me when we were at home....i sat him down, asked for a piece of paper, and there my hand went....it was his father! seemed it was the anniversary of his passing. oh, he cried so much as he read it....i couldn't help but cry too. though afterwards i went straight to sleep :P i was suddenly sooo tried......
his is why i think i must carry on....if i have this gift, this is what i want to use it for. to make people reconnect, to give the dead a chance to get their messages through. i must carry on. :)

... i've been learning they can tell when you're a medium, and some of them are angry, frustrated, they take it out on you...
it's unfortunate because i really want to help them still, even if they just want to come after me. i've told my mom, she tells me i'm too kind for my own good sometimes. haha, maybe.......but i truly just want to be a good medium....i want to help even persecutors who want to harm me. make them calmer, make them understand.....maybe i'm too much of a an optimist, but it can be possible, right?? i think anyone can be saved, if i just put in enough effort and understanding, you know..

... i'm not only hungover but spiritually exhausted. i never remember a lot and that's pretty scary! i had to stop drinking :( which is hard when you're also in a band, haha.
i've had some passes done on me, purifications, but it's hard to keep them out for good. i get that they want to put messages foward though, i understand. i just can't take all of these demands!
hopefully i learn how to navigate this better as i mature as a medium......i try to play tough but all of this has been draining my energy, it's true. there is still college to pay mind to! if only of the spirits wanted to do my thesis for me......lol

... braids, died in the 80s.....that's a long time to be stuck in the cemetery. we had a nice talk about......everything, really. family, romance, death......it's indelicate to ask how someone died so i refrained, but she revealed it on her own.....her husband murdered her. he couldn't accept the end of the relationship.
it's always sad to hear of feminicide. it's so unfair, to die just because you're a woman....it really moved me. and now she is the one stuck, unable to move on because of her anger, so strong it keeps her tethered to this world. i really feel for her. i tried to guide her towards a spiritual hub with people who could help, but it seems she thinks she is not ready yet.....i won't force her, of course. but i told her i will visit often. she seemed happy about that.

...

the book really goes deep into talking about how it's not just people that have souls in the spirirtual world.....animals have souls, objects have souls....and places, too, have souls. and just like people, they can be nice, happy, taken care of.......houses that thrive with nice families inside, abandoned houses, long carrying the weight of their loneliness.....parks, gardens, blossoming with the spirit of the life they carry in them......and places of tragedy, often turning sour, just like human persecutors - fed by violence, pain, misery.....they grow angrier, stronger, until you can almost feel them just by stepping inside......the dark atmosphere. it was a really, really interesting read! i hope our house is happy.....well, it's me and my boyfriend who live in it, and we have nothing but love between us, so i hope it's enough to keep it well!

... tells me, but it really makes me wonder what is going on. is it spiritual....? or psychological? to be safe, i've done a few passes on him, but i also want him to talk to a professional, you know. what if it's not me that can help him? it seems to be really wearing on him, my baby is so paranoid......well, i will still do all i can to help him in the spiritual sense. a medium must tend to the living as well..

... never judge him....i think he was just judged a lot in his life by other people. but anyways, that's not the point; the point is.....i think it might be actually spiritual, more and more...
he told me he sees this cat in dreams, and now in real life, hears it, especially when he is working on the road....that doesn't sound like a hallucination to me. that sounds like a spirit! a persecutor, trying to scare him, not leaving him alone, harming him.....sometimes they have a bone to pick with us from a past life, even many past lives ago, but it's hard to understand it when it's a cat......and, besides, i cant really see it myself, and that's a big problem....i feel so stuck on how to help! i've been reading so much, talking to other people at the centre, but it's complicated. my boyfriend hasn't been himself, he is scared all the time.....he tries to enjoy our time together but i can see in his eyes when he is seeing the cat again. ugh, i just want him back :(

... cover it with my fringe when i can so people don't ask too many questions. but hopefully it doesn't look all that bad....here is a picture of how i look now. :(

i....don't know why, but a spirit hurt me, and it's hurting my boyfriend. it's hurting us. what is going on? i wish so badly to understand....i had to rest for a bit after the accident but i'm back to reading all i can, looking into purification rituals, anything, really, anything........i'm terrified of not being a good enough medium to solve this. not being able to protect us. i have to be good enough....

... things at the walls..then when he comes back to himself he just cries, and cries. who is doing this to my prince.....? this cat.....i've been reading so much on spirits of animals but i can't find answers! they aren't strong enough to possess people. so it can't be the cat....right? ugh, i wish i could at least see it! why can't i see it??
i'm so tired.....my new vision makes my head hurt, i'm scared of being hurt when i'm at home and the spirit takes over him again, i've lost nights of sleep trying to find answers, only not to find anything......nothing.....i'm at such a loss.....i feel almost like a failure as a medium. the one person i should be able to help, and there is nothing i can do for him!! or for me........
.....but i have to keep trying. i just have to. if i don't save us.....who will?

... walking to the cemetery again, my usual refuge..and there was that lady i talk to sometimes, the one killed by her husband. she saw me crying and came to comfort me, and we had a long conversation.....i told her what was going on at home. i don't think i ever told anyone, i just talked about accidents, and spiritual problems, but i never went into detail. she made me think about a lot of things......maybe i really can't fix this. maybe it's not my responsability to fix him. yes, i love him, but.....you can't be with someone who has hurt you, will hurt you....and clearly, i'm not the one who can solve what is going on with him spiritually.....she told me it doesn't make me a bad medium, because i tried my best, but maybe....maybe it's just beyond my control. it's true, i think she's right.
i have to step back.
at least for a bit. he really worries about my well being too, worries so much about hurting me, but i insisted on staying until i can solve this. well, i can't solve it if i end up hurt, incapacitated.....killed, by this spirit. i can't figure out why it hates us so much, but it's strong and full of hatred, full of violence...way too much. it's terrifying, what it's doing to my prince, how it lashes out at me through him. it's cruel. i wish just our love was strong enough to conquer it, but i was a fool to think that way......
i'm confused, i'm sad, and way too tired....i think i'm going to live with my parents for a bit. think about this away from the eye of the storm. and maybe talk with a stronger medium, someone who can look after him while i'm gone......because i need time. i need some time away.
i'm the kind of person to put other people's well being over mine....spirits, living people, anyone really....and then i feel all this sadness, anger, all i can't express bubble up inside of me...and it's at this moment in which i feel nothing but these feelings i've bottled up for the sake of the spirits, for the sake of being a perfect medium, for the sake of my boyfriend.....but i can't take it all alone. the lady at the cemetery made me realize.....if i keep at it, i might end up like her....and it terrifies me. it really does. i need to be blunt, and quick.
i need to tell him i'm leaving for now.